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The main reason of course is the individual partners level of consciousness, where his or her own negativity and judgments decrease the connection, acquaintance and love with the partner. Connected with this however is the negative aspect of the male-female polarity itself. What draws a woman to a man is sought after by a woman, but causes suffering to a man and vice versa. Usually the intention (which is often a need) why someone is in a particular relationship defines the relationship and is simultaneously the trap.
This article aims to illuminate this polarity in light of the female ego, to make men more aware of manipulation processes, so that they are able to increase their integrity by being taken less advantage of. It shall be a contribution to help understand women’s behavior which is often puzzling to men and lay it out in a more linear way. But it might also serve women to identify negative patterns in order to be able to progressively let go of them. Furthermore examples will be given for many tactics. In men the reason for manipulating is a bit different, and women are taken as the example because they are very good at it and much better at hiding their ego and the intention behind resulting behaviors.
Women are aloof
What a woman says and does are two different things
When a woman is attracted to a man, this usually does not necessarily mean she will sleep and be in a relationship with him. She will need comfort and when she also has this, she still will usually want one more thing: a man’s attachment to her.
To ensure this attachment the following mechanism takes place :
At the beginning of a get-together things might seem smooth and you get to know each other and might enjoy yourself. However at a certain point, which might also happen very fast, she either completely looses interest in you or pushes you away emotionally. In case she looses interest though she is attracted, she already recognized that you did not escalate fast enough, which shows her your attachment is not strong enough for her to be interested anymore. In the other case pushing you away serves her to hold you in an emotional limbo, at a certain distance. If you, as a man feel confused, uncomfortable or victimized (even to the point of psychic terror), though having good intentions, this process might be just unfolding. Also as a form of one of the multitudinous manipulation techniques. This is called aloofness.
Figure 1 and 2 illustrate this process.
When the man comes too close emotionally a pushing away will happen. This is indicated by a shield from Captain America :). As soon as it might feel like you are becoming a friend she has to create a distance. A few practical examples on how this happens are:
You might be enjoying a good and friendly conversation and she stops responding (showing disinterest or becoming quiet) She puts you down in various ways. E.g. (in)directly stating that she has no affiliation with you. Disqualifying, arbitrary criticism and manipulation. She will say something like “You are not giving me enough space”, “I need space”, “I am afraid of getting hurt.”
When you are about to loose interest yourself, usually because you do not want to put up with the BS and games anymore, the opposite will happen and she will try to reel you in again, often for fear of loosing you. However this will happen only to the degree that you can still be manipulated. In a sense she is like a puppeteer and gains control and power through that process.
Hiding the intention and recontextualizing play a huge role here. The man is supposed to think that something was his fault. To bring him back she might also offer sex or pretends to be friendly and courteous for a while.
“You have to fight for me”. By saying this she puts the weight on the man’s shoulder, so that he now keeps leaning in by himself again and catches the carrot.
Why does it work and what does it explain?
What a woman says and does and what it means are again two different things
If a man can not be manipulated, this means the woman can neither push him away nor reel him in, she will likely not be interested in the relationship anymore or to begin with.
This process really works because of two things:
1. The man’s ignorance about the matter. And women’s ability to hide the process.
2. His attachment and thus allowance of mistreatment because of his desire (i.e. lust).
Women are much more intuitive than men. They know perfectly well what is happening, which allows them to control this process. It is fascinating and explains many things:
1. Why women have no friends, and why it is said that women hate each other.
2. Why no woman likes his man.
3. Why a woman has to be conquered and courted.
4. Why a man usually feels compromised, uncomfortable and bossed in the presence of women.
5. Why women like badboys.
6. Why a man can and has to steal a woman from her boyfriend or husband.
7. Why there are problems in relationships and why relationships aren’t fun.
8. Why a man has to initiate contact and is burdened with responsibility of the overall situation.
9. Why a man cannot talk with women about certain things and why he will not get an answer to certain questions.
10. Why a man can read endless self-help books about relationships and go to couple therapy and will still experience struggle.
11. Why a woman rejects a man and simultaneously and secretly hopes that he keeps pursuing her if he is attractive.
How women control man
Let’s look deeper into the various tools women use to control and hide this process. It can be recognized that basically all tools are used to pull down one’s frequency and mislead by leveraging weaknesses, to invoke some kind of negative emotion like pride, jealousy, guilt, shame and so on. She intends to cause a reaction and suffering to her behavior. Because only then one becomes vulnerable and easy to control. When someone is happy, he cannot be controlled. Women know a mans weaknesses right away after looking at him. They are men experts. They get it through presence.
Figure 3 gives an overview.
Figure 3 – Female Ego and Manipulation Techniques
Interrogation – She asks questions to gain critical information that she can use to hold against the man. “Do you love me?”, “Are you my friend?”, “How important is sex for you in a relationship?”, “Why do you want to be with me?” Or to better determine your social status. Trying to find out if you are congruent. “Where do you work?”
Ambiguity – It will not be clear if she wants to be with you or not. Indirectness in communication. Saying one thing and doing another. Communicating one thing and then changing it.
Undermining Reality – She puts the weight on your shoulder. Either directly or indirectly pointing out that a happening was your fault, your responsibility or shortcoming. Blame. Disagreeing. Manipulation through guilt. “You are thinking too much about it. It is not that way.” “I think you are just silly.” “Don’t be silly.” “Soccer seems to be more important to you than I am” (blame and guilt) “You are such an egoist. A relationship cannot work with someone like you.” (pretending to be guilty and insulted). She laughs about her manipulative behavior as if it was a joke (recontextualization, also hiding).
Directing – This entails occupying your consciousness with irrelevancies and giving you commands. She may command you to do some gardening work with a very negative and commanding tone. “Give me a drink”, “Take the bag into the basement”. She dictates and instructs in various ways. She determines common activities and meetings. She implies being in need of help, and asks you to do things she could do on her own. She asks you a few irrelevant questions serveral times in a row. Like “How do you like my dress?” And even if you answer it, she asks again, sometimes right after the answer. She talks a lot and makes you do things.
Hurt – Anything that makes you suffer and what you are sensitive about. E.g. if you are fat or bold, women will repeatedly bring that into your awareness in fierce ways. Sometimes it may not appear fierce, but inwardly you will feel like a bomb just dropped over Hiroshima. A sublte way may be touching your bold spots, or repeatedly looking at them. The intention here is to harm deliberately. Every weakness and sensitivity you have about any issue will be brought up and used to stab. One example: “How much money do we still have?”.
Drama – 1. Poor me drama. Draining energy by complaining and implying that one is responsible for their troubles. The purpose here is to make you feel guilty. Often it works even though you know that it is not your fault on a deeper level. They talk about their illnesses, mistreatments or sufferings.
2. Pure negativity drama. Aggressiveness, being loud, insulting. The intention here is to get some kind of control back, to dominate and to reel you in.
3. Negativity dumping place drama. They just go on talking, transmitting pride, anger, sadness and judgementalism.
Waiting – They let you wait. Or they tell you or ask you for a specific time to meet or have dinner ready and then do not comply to this time.
Disqualification – She implies that she has more value than you directly or indirectly by putting you down.”You never change.”
Being Condescending – Insults. Showing Disrespect. Talking bad about you and putting you down. Complaining. “You never put down the toilet seat.” “I don’t want that. Stop it.” “You are never of any help.”
Dominating – In this category also belongs their attitude of “only what I want shall be done.”
Increasing Value – Increasing their own worth and market value by creating competition with other men. Even if there are no man in their lives right now, they make one up. They tell you various stories. They are also increasing their value by being aloof and pushing you away.
Negative Compliance Tests – They try to let you do things you would normally not do, but would do especially for women to gain their sympathy. Ironically (and that’s the point) the result will be the opposite of what you intended. “Can you hold my bag real quick, while I go to the toilet.” “I need socks to play the game. Do you have any?” (looking at yours, that are on your feet). “Do you want to drink something?” (handing you her cup with just a sip left). She starts holding your hands and takes notice if you let go or not.
Jealousy – She goes out dancing, and talks a lot about how other man are interested in her (implying it indirectly). She hides details of things and she is vague, especially when you are pushing for an answer. She is flirtatious with other men in your presence.
Responsibilities – They own your responsibilities and make them their own. This is a subtle enslavement. My secretary for example has to do some paperwork and some organizing for me. So occasionally she comes and I have to fill in some additional information on those paper sheets. And right in our conversation she manages it to turn it around and give me instructions what to do and when it should be finished. So of course I have to provide some information but she changes the energy and context as if she is the boss.
Role Adaptation – They take on a certain role. Being your parent for example. By expressively playing this role they are able to enforce the effects of the role.
Agreeing – After an argument you will see that they start argreeing on various things to end the argument. They are in control of starting and ending it.
Hoops – They throw a psychological hoop and see if you’re jumping into it. Often it is to deprive you of your power. She gets some feeling of superiority from knowing how you will respond.
Rejection – This is also often just a way to get a hold on you. Ironically women reject even men they are interest in.
The information gap – This word was termed by psychologist George Loewenstein. It states that there is a painful gap within our minds that we desire to close in order to relieve us from this pain. This gap is supposed to steer curiosity. This gap is created by questions and puzzles, unknown decisions, false expectations, access of information from others, remembering things you forgot. Women seem to know this even before it was discovered!
Panic Reactions – Once in a while they go for what can be called a panic reaction, when your brain gets short-circuited and you usually just blow. If the man gets physical, she turns it against the man and emphasizes how she really did nothing. And this works pretty well because her intention to short-circuit is well hidden. One example: It happens that she has bad breath and talks to you. You allude that she has bad breath and that she should please keep a distance while talking to you. You do that twice. She backs off walks around in the room a little bit then comes back close in order to relocate some things and then again to blow her breath into your nose.
Trolling Expectations/Perceptions – This is also a very subtle one and it can be said to happen on the level of thought. Three examples: She walks towards one side of a double door (holding the thought in mind to enter there) and you step aside in expectation she will now cross that path, but instead she now changes to enter through the second door. Secondly, the man expects her to behave mean in a certain situation but she is suddenly nice. Or you might know that she is attracted to you and expect her to touch her hair, but as you notice and pay attention to it she suppresses the movement and waits until you look away (may also be hiding in other situations).
Aloofness and Push – Pull – This was introduced at the beginning and though aloofness is something fundamental and innate to the female psyche it may be contextualized as a manipulation as well. Many techniques are supplemented by push – pull. They are preceded by a pull and finished with a push.
False Cause – Usually a woman blames and criticizes you exactly for what she is the cause. For example she complains that you are never doing anything with her. But when you make some propositions for activities she denies your suggestions without further ado. She is not interested in a constructive resolution of the conflict.
A Special Case – When you are arguing with some fact based reasoning in good will, what will often happen is that she implies in her argumentation that your fact is a generality and she gives an individual case for the purpose of disproving you as wrong (the individual case is also often a lie which is based on missing information that you do not have). Example: In a gender debate a man argues that men are often insecure in talking and approaching women because they are often not sure what is ok to do and what not. And that a man is supposed to do the first step because women never do it. The woman responded laughingly questioning what women he means and that she often makes the first step and speaks to men.
Caught Unprepared – One pattern is also that women strike when the man least expects it or is most vulnerable. Examples are when you come back home from work and are exhausted. are tired and start going to bed or leave a conversation with her.
Hiding and Enforcement
Lying – They lie from trivia to major things. Also to hide manipulation and aloofness. Often they tell you the opposite of what’s actually the case, “Men are pigs”, “You have to try to understand me”, “Men want what they can’t have.” When she bails out on appointments she talks about reasons of higher magnitude like it was raining or her mother did not let her. She does not respond.
Disguising – Disguising the process of aloofness and manipulative behaviour. Recontextualization. Basically all manipulation has to be disguised, otherwise it looses its function and purpose. “I am just trying to help you.”
Frame Control – This is a major one. Women almost have a super power here at their disposal. They are able to express their emotions and themselves unimpeded. They are at ease with it and do not fall into doubtful self-reflection. This is also why they enjoy dancing so much in constrast to many men. By being expressive and having a strong frame, it allows them to steer opinions and behavior. Women can even make an entire room consent to a certain preconceived belief just by holding a thought in mind.
Utilizing Needs and Positionalities – They know when a man likes something and use this knowledge to satisfy their own needs. Basically this is the foundation a woman works on: “her man is her kitchen.”
How do men cope with this knowledge?
All that is necessary to fully understand women and solve many relationship issues is to understand that women oppose and resist every ego weakness about a man and that they mistake power for love
Should men condemn this behavior? No, instead it is better to have compassion and forgive, especially ourselves in order to heal these aspects within our own psyche. It stems from women’s deep need for security and issues of abandonment. It has to be understood that women had much less power than man in the past and that it is mostly the source of all their power.
How do you protect yourself from this manipulation and respond?
A usual way to deal with these issues would be to point out that you do not tolerate this behaviour and align with this attitude (cal. 300′s). However, women will not comply to this request, will use the various tools mentioned above and keep on going.
Women are so good at these tests, that they know that you will suffer from it and that you cannot really protect yourself from it. Because whatever you say your inner state will be known and to be kind in anger is pretense. Of course you can build a ‘thick skin’ and pretend, but ….
The only way to really master these tests is to become loving. If you have transcended the emotional field that is being exploited you will likely not get these kind of attacks and even if you do, you usually just have to laugh. Because you instantly get what is happening and you are not subject to it. This is a good response, because it denotes more humility and compassion.
We will end this article with a few calibrations:
This article calibrates at – no permission
The average level of consciousness of men and women is the same – true
There are no spiritual differences between men and women – true
A woman perfects her intuitive side before the man does – true
Some of the manipulation techniques were completed from the german book “Lob des Sexismus” from Lodovico Satana, which lays out manipulation techniques in much more detail (only available in german).